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Relicanth

Today Milli and I were sat on a bench in an English country garden, staring at some highrise snipers and talking about zero memory nonlinear transformations of gaussian processes, when we were accosted by a woman.

She decieved me from the offstart, weaving her Christian magic to appear to be in her early twenties at first glimpse, only to turn out to be in her late 40s, 50s or possibly double jeopardy at 100 on closer 4chan-comic-style inspection.
The first thing I thought when she approached us with a clipboard and a friendly attitude was "O lawd, it's another one of the Dianetics women trying to sell me Scientology." But on her clipboard was a sheet saying "Multiculturalism," and being a CITOYEN DU MONDE, I was all over that shit.

She proceeded to ask us questions (HMMMM, MUCH LIKE A SCIENTOLOGIST WOULD) from the "multiculturalism" sheet about religion, starting off with Hinduism, then Islam, then Judaism. She asked a question about a God quote where one of the multiple-choice answers was L. Ron Hubbard. I informed Milli that he was the man that invented Scientology, to which the woman replied which strong conviction

"I think he was the man who made the Hubbard Telescope".

Then finally she arrived at a Christian question at which point she dropped everything and went intense (in a bad way, rather than a bamboo way). She ridiculed me for believing in evolution scoffing at the idea that "my grandfather was a bit of dirt". She told us that Milli was a liar and that I was a theif for stealing a 1p sweet when I was 4 years old and that we would both BURN IN HELLLL, with a mindless smile on her face and a cheery weathergirl voice.



The more we spoke, the more she revealed how malevolent, tyrannical, masochistic and vengeful her God was, genuinely trying to back up her claims of how loving her God was with immediate expansions of "and that's why he's sending everybody to Hell" who doesn't obey his pointless hateful archaic discrimination policy of VENGENCE.



She refused to deviate away from her doctrine, not willing to discuss or even entertain the thought that someone might have a simliar but slightly different view. For her, she and ONLY she knew what God wanted and everyone else was doing it wrong, and my opinions on what my benevolent God would want were wrong.

It's a shame when a few crazy nutcases like this come and publically prostitute their crazy ideas and ram them down your throat, because they stand out far more than everyday regular normal Christians who see their religion for what it actually is as a FAITH rather than parading it as a VENDETTA.

But it's all cool, that bitch was wearing clothes made from at least two different types of material, so according to the Old Testament she's coming straight with us to Hell to join the party.

We were given leaflets about the Church, so I'm considering maybe going along to ask really awkward question or just troll them lols.

The crack of a twig was heard up ahead. We snapped our heads to the direction it came from. As soon as I did my breath was taken away at who was standing only feet away from me. He was absolutely gorgeous in every aspect. His hair was a coppery color with a bit of a tint of an orange and slightly curled tips and it was a bit messy. It was very vibrant against his white skin that seemed to be as smooth as marble. But that was nothing compared to his gold eyes that had a tint of light honey color, they were so smooth they semmed to be like liguid. "Hn. Edward Cullen." Mike grunted softly, but loud enough for him to hear. 'So this is Edward Cullen...' I thought. Man he looked like a god.

"Hello... Mike." Edward said. Oh my god. I thought that his looks were enough to take my breath away. But man oh man was I wrong. I voice sounded like velvet. But a bit of a harshness towards Mike. It seemed pretty clear that these two did not like each other at all. The tension between them both seemed that you could cut it with a knife it was so thick. I shivered slightly. The guy named Edward looked over at me and made eye contact. Oh...I'm defiantly in heaven now. Those eyes are so~gorgeous.

He seemed to have a bit of strained look on his face when he was looking at me, but it disappeared - Bonus Points For Tricking You Into Reading Through Some Terrible Twilight Fanfic You Faggots - quickly. "Hello, I'm Edward Cullen. You are Ryan Hendrickson, correct me if I'm not.", his voice was filled with charm and boy was it working on me.

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
neonpaul
13th Mar, 2010 07:45 (UTC)
I ENJOYED THE TWILIGHT FANFICTION ACTUALLY.

You are a lucky man, I don't think I've ever met anyone who so vehemently denies evolution.

would read again A+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
(Anonymous)
14th Mar, 2010 15:45 (UTC)
Absolutely love the Old Testament line haha and the Hubbard Telescope quote lolol - I have L. Ron's Brainwashing Manual if you want it... wahaha
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )